I had felt surprisingly strong over the last couple of weeks but on Sunday all of that came to a screeching halt. My heart was overwhelmed with fear, with sadness, and with brokenness.
For the past 3 months, since November 18th, when we received Timothy's diagnosis it has been a daily battle to continue to trust the Lord and continue to walk in faith not allowing myself to be overwhelmed by sorrow, grief, and fear. For the past 3 months. I have woken up every morning just waiting anxiously to feel Timothy kicking to make sure he is still alive. For the past 3 months, I have walked by every baby aisle and been hit by the weight of the fact that I don't need to stop there anymore. I don't need to look at the car seats, the strollers, and the adorable baby clothes, and in fact I can't bare to stop and look at them. For the past three months, I have heard so many comments from strangers about being pregnant, "Oh your pregnant!, When are you due?, Is this your first?, You must be so excited! Boys are so much fun!" With some I have nodded and smiled and continued on my way while my heart was breaking inside, and with others who have asked more detailed questions I have felt the Lord calling me to share Timothy's story. I have even dreaded the "turn and greet your neighbor" time at church these days because what do I say in 30 seconds if they start asking me questions? But if I don't say anything I feel like a liar. For the past three months, every time I have seen a blonde haired toddler boy that looks like Warren I can barely breath. We are supposed to have one of those in a few months. The world desperately needs more amazing godly men like Warren. Why is God going to take Timothy home so soon? If he lived and grew up to be just like his dad, wouldn't that be what this world needs! For the past 3 months, I haven't gone a day without thinking about my sweet little son. I haven't gone a day without feeling him moving constantly. Over the past 3 months, I have fallen in love. I have fallen in love with precious Timothy. I love him more than I could ever have imagined would be possible!
But that is what hit me on Sunday. This baby that will have been with me for the last 9 months will, in less than 9 weeks, finally be in my arms. I will finally get to hold him, snuggle with him, and kiss him. But the same day that I finally get to hold him in my arms, may be the same day that the Lord calls him home. It may be the same day that I have to say goodbye. As that day gets closer and closer, I am overwhelmed, my heart is breaking, and I feel as though I can't do this! Sunday was a day of feeling like I can't go another day with the weight of this on my shoulders. How can I ever prepare myself for what is ahead? How can I ever prepare myself to say hello for the first time and then say goodbye? My heart is breaking! My flesh and my heart are so weak. How can I walk past another baby aisle? How can I continue to answer all of the comments from strangers? How can I keep doing this?
I can't. It's that plain and simple. I can't carry this on my own. I have to let go again. I am trying to be strong on my own. I am trying to carry the weight of daily life and of Timothy on my own. I have to get back on my knees and crawl to the feet of Jesus and lay it all at his feet again. I have to run to the only one who is strong enough to get me through this. But today I feel like I can't move..let alone run.
I share all of this to be honest, to be honest about the fact that though I am strong and unwavering in my faith most days, some days I am oh so week. I say all of this to ask for your prayers, especially as my due date gets closer. Please pray for strength. Pray for peace. Pray for an unwavering faith. Pray for Warren and I as we figure out how to walk through all of this together and try to figure out how to best love each other in the midst of all that we are going through. Pray for Timothy. Pray that if it is the Lord's will He would bless us with some time with Timothy (whether that is minutes, hours, or days) before He takes him home. Pray that we will keep daily running to Jesus.
I thank you from the bottom of my heart for all of the prayers that you have already prayed for us! We have felt them and seen over and over again how God has not forsaken us! We love you all!
Your words are beautiful, Julie. Thank you for allowing the Lord to speak through you during this vulnerable and tender time. I am praying for you... with words that I don't have. Praying for the Holy Spirit intercede as we lift you and your little family up to Him.
ReplyDelete"God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble." Psalm 46:1
ReplyDeletePraying for all of you sweet Julie.
"You have kept count of my tossings; put my tears in your bottle. Are they not in your book?" Psalm 56:8
ReplyDelete"No prayer will ever prevail with God more surely than a liquid petition, which, being distilled from the heart, trickles from the eye and waters the cheek. Then is God won when He hears the voice of your weeping." Charles Spurgeon
My words fail, Julie. I love you dearly. Praying for you with all my heart.
Praying.
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing so tenderly.
Thank you so much for blogging!! I am currently 17 weeks pregnant and just got he news that our son Anson has either Trisomy 13 or 18. I feel exactly like you and its so hard to walk this walk alone!! I received an email to telling me about your blog. I truly believe that God sent me to your blog today for a reason. I have been so sad today and needed to hear that I am not alone.
ReplyDeleteShanda, I am so sorry to hear about your son Anson! I would love to be able to walk through this with you. You are definitely not alone, but it feels like it so often since not many people have been through exactly what you are going through. If you want to either send me your e-mail address or e-mail me at juliereichel@gmail.com, I would love to get in touch with you and talk if that is something you are interested in! I am praying for you and your sweet family! Blessings -Julie
DeleteJulie~
ReplyDeleteYour transparency through this journey are not only helping you, but so many others. God is preparing you for a ministry opportunity that you never imagined. He chose you, because he knows how strong you and Warren are. Continue to let people know how they can minister to you and God will equip you in ministering to other moms who are going through something similiar. You are human and because we live in the world we live in will struggle, but with God in your life He will give you the daily strength you need. You are inspiring so many and we are praying for you friend!
You have such a precious ministry in this blog. We can all see that when you are weak HE is strong. Bless you, Julie. We love you.
ReplyDeleteJulie -
ReplyDeleteYou don't know me, but I taught with Warren over at Killough. The joy he was feeling when he told us y'all were pregnant was contagious. When I read the email that Timothy has Trisomy 13, my heart broke for you. You have all been in my constant prayers. I work at Harmon now, but when I see and interact with Warren, his faith amazes me. I have always seen him as a man who obviously trusts the Lord. Now, reading your journey through your blog, I am amazed at your trust and faith in God. You are both an inspiration. I wish with all my heart that your ministry wasn't coming from such sorrow, but I do believe that God has you all in His loving arms. May God bless you on your journey. You remain in my prayers.
-Joanna Crawford