Standing on this mountain top
Looking just how far we've come
Knowing that for every step you were with us
Kneeling on this battleground
Seeing just how much you You've done
Knowing every victory was your power in us
Scars and struggles on the way
But with joy our hearts can say
Never once did we ever walk alone
Never once did you leave us on our own
I love this song by Matt Redman! I can't sing it without tears in my eyes. I have felt unmeasurable joy in the last year of my life and I have felt the depths of despair. I have felt the joy of a precious new life on the way and the despair of being told that "new life" will never be. I have felt the sweet, faithful, enduring love of my husband and family and friends and I have felt the immense heartache of loving and loosing a son....and yet at the top of my lungs I can sing, I can raise my hands in praise to a holy Savior, because these words are true.... Never once did we ever walk alone! Never once did you leave us on our own! You are faithful, God, you are faithful!
Today, I am looking back. Today, I am remembering how God was there in every moment of this last year. He was there when when 5 years ago I began seeing an amazing Christian OB/GYN that God knew would be walking down this very difficult road with me. He was there when Timothy was formed in my womb. He was there in the sonogram room when my world turned upside down. He was there when the specialist was able to see us immediately, not the next day or the next week, but immediately. He was there when my friend, Katie, read the book "I Will Carry You" after having a miscarriage and then told me about the book. He was there when I read that book and it gave me a glimpse of hope that if someone else could go through what I was about to go through....then with the Lord's help I could do it too. He was there when everyone of you prayed for me, texted, called me, e-mailed me, and loved on me daily. He was there when celebrated Timothy's first Christmas and my mom had a stocking hanging for Timothy on the fireplace. He was there at our 30 week sonogram when the specialist, who I thought considered us stupid for not terminating the pregnancy, spent 45 minutes with us lovingly and compassionately doing a sonogram of Timothy and taking pictures of him for us.....and then told the receptionist not to charge us for the visit (that was a $500 gift from God). He was there when my sweet sister drove 45 minutes at 9:00 at night just to come be with me because Warren was at Young Life, I was crying, and I didn't want to be alone. He was there when all of my siblings came and spent a weekend with me in Dallas before Timothy was born...just to help me pretend like life was at least somewhat "normal" for a moment. He was there when my dad let me ask him all kinds of medical questions and let me cry on the phone over and over again. He was there when my mom drove up to Dallas on a moments notice to go to a doctor's appointment with me. He was there when so much of our family took time off from work and came from near and far to be there for Timothy's Birthday. He was there in the operating room when I thought I was going to pass out before the surgery even started. He was there in the waiting room amongst everyone that was waiting and praying for us. He was there when Timothy came out kicking and took his first breath. He was there when Timothy opened his eyes and looked at his daddy for the first time. He was there when Timothy snuggled up against my cheek. He was there when Timothy struggled to breath and then took his last breath. He was there in the hours that we got to hold Timothy's earthly body. He was there when a precious women from NILMDS took beautiful pictures of Timothy that we will cherish for a lifetime. He was there when our hearts were breaking as we said goodbye. He was there when Warren's sister lovingly took Timothy from our arms and made sure he was completely taken care of after that. He was there in the moments of the deepest sorrow I have ever known. He was there in the sunrise the next morning. He was there when I stood up for the first time after having a c-section and thought I was going to die from the pain. He was there when three amazing nurses took care of me with so much compassion and love in everything that they did. He was there when our family members came to the hospital and unselfishly served us in every way that they could (including bringing Bahama Buck's snow cones). He was there through the hands of every family member that spent hours in our backyard planting a special garden for us as a remembrance of Timothy's life. He was there when I couldn't breath when I saw Timothy's little white casket. He was there calming my heart. He was there at the memorial service. He was there when the gospel was proclaimed because of Timothy's life. He was there when story after story was shared with us of how Timothy's life had changed someone else's life. He was there when we got an unexpected life insurance check in the mail that completely covered the cost of our medical expenses and extra funeral expenses...that hadn't already been paid for by precious loved ones. He was there when friends brought us meals for a month. He was there when a sweet couple handed us a check and told us to spend it getting away for a few days and we got to go spend time together at a beautiful state park in Oklahoma. He was there when friends and family sent beautiful jewelry and special gifts as remembrances of Timothy's life. He was there when Warren lovingly went on walks with me every day after Timothy was born until my doctor told me I could run again. He was there when I questioned Him and thought I would never stop crying. He was there through every terrible ache and pain as my body healed from a c-section with no baby in my arms to distract me and to tell myself it was all worth it. He was there as I read scripture and He began to heal my heart. He was there as I prayed and poured out my heart to Him. He was there in every moment. I can look back and see the fingerprints of God all over everything. He was there.
Never once did we ever walk alone
Never once did you leave us on our own
You are faithful, God, you are faithful
I still miss my little baby boy deeply and my arms long to hold him, but today I want to proclaim the goodness of my God! I want to proclaim his faithfulness! I pray that you will not turn away from God in your heartache and in your despair, but that you will run to him like never before. I pray that He will show you that He is there and that you will never walk alone.
