The Lord Determines Our Steps

In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps. -Proverbs 16:9

Now listen, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money.” Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow.....you ought to say, “If it is the Lord’s will, we will live and do this or that.” -James 4:13-15

Something I have been struggling with through all of this, is the fact that my plans for what the next year of my life would look like have been completely shattered. I had everything figured out for what life would look like with our new baby. I was planning to be a wife and a mom and continue working a little bit part time, whether that is nannying or working from home so that I could take care of our baby. But now, if the Lord decides to take Timothy home, there must be a new plan. But it is so hard for me to think about that because I don't want there to be a new plan. I want to be a mom. It hurts deeply to feel the weight of that and to come back to the feet of Jesus and ask for guidance and direction for my life. Thinking about moving on and changing "my plan" has not come easily. There have been many tears and it still hurts so deeply even as I right this.

And yet I know that if the Lord takes Timothy home and I don't get to be a mom just yet, "my plan" may be shattered but God's plan and my purpose in life is not shattered. My purpose in life is not just to be a mom. My purpose in life is to "love the Lord my God with all of my heart, soul, and mind" and then "love my neighbor as myself". I am to love God with all that I am and out of the overflow of that, I am to serve people, love people, and lead them to Jesus. If the Lord takes Timothy home, I can still do what God has called me to do on a daily basis.

I think God wants us to be wise, wants us to make plans, and wants us to prepare for the future. But I also think He wants us to hold those plans loosely in the palm of our hands. To daily lift those plans to Him and pray for His will to be done in our lives, for we do not know what tomorrow holds. All we can do is walk in the path that He has called us to today and live out the purpose that He has called us to everyday of our lives. He has called us to love Him and to love people no matter where we are in life and no matter where He has determined our steps will go.

Timothy the "Kicker" and Dr. Appointments

This is Timothy's 12 week sonogram picture. This is the best picture we have so far, because sadly at our 20 week sonogram they didn't take any normal profile pictures because of everything that was going on at the time. But this picture is my favorite! It is amazing how much he already looks like a perfect little baby. He waved at us during this sonogram.

My favorite thing about being pregnant with Timothy right now, is the mover and the kicker he has become these days. His movements and his kicks are so strong (In fact, he is kicking me right now as a I type. He seems to consistently kick me every morning to assure me he is still alive and well). If you watch my belly when he really gets going you can watch parts of it move up and down, and now if you put your hand on my stomach when he gets going your hand will move up and down a little too! It is such a crazy feeling and such a special feeling! He has so much life right now and I am reminded of it every moment. I am thankful today to be a mom and to feel the strong movements of this precious life that is in me! 

I have been going to the doctor every two weeks since the day we found out Timothy has Trisomy 13 because there is a little bit higher risk for preeclampsia (very high blood pressure). So far all of my doctors appointments have gone well. His heart beat is strong, my uterus is still measuring normal growth wise, and my blood pressure has been completely normal. So, praise the Lord for keeping us both as healthy as can be so far! I think the Lord must know that I probably wouldn't handle being put on bed rest right now very well. My run/walks are part of my therapy these days. It's my "Julie time" as I call it where I can spend time thinking, praying, and worshiping as I listen to my favorite praise and worship play list. Praise music has been such a blessing to me these days.

So many things have been put into different perspectives for me as I have walked through this journey with Timothy. Carrying him is teaching me so much! I have to daily surrender to the Lord and pray for the strength and the courage to walk gracefully and peacefully through another day. Some days are still really really tough and the tears fall often and then some days I feel strong. Not because I am strong, but because I am letting my strong loving Father carry me and be strong for me.

How do I pray?

It has been so hard throughout this whole journey to know how to pray. Do I pray for complete healing? Do I just pray for the Lord's will to be done? What do I pray? What does the Lord want me to pray?

Matthew 21:21 says, Jesus replied "Truly I tell you, if you have faith and do not doubt, not only can you do what was done to the fig tree (which he told to never bear fruit again and it immediately withered), but also you can say to the mountains, Go throw yourself into the sea, and it will be done. If you believe, you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer."

This verse makes me think I need to have great faith and boldly ask the Lord for Timothy's complete healing. And yet throughout my life, I know that there are things that I truly believed in and had faith and asked the Lord for and yet he said "no" I have something better for you. Like the time Warren and I really felt the Lord calling us to move back to College Station. We prayed and prayed over this decision and felt it was the Lord's will. We then sought out jobs in College Station, and yet the Lord quickly closed that door. Now that we are still in the Flower Mound area several years later, we can see that God's plan was good and that we are still here for so many reasons. Other than deeply missing be close to family, we love it here in Flower Mound and know that God is using us to serve him through our jobs and through Young Life.

So, that whole thought process left me torn about what to pray for in our situation with Timothy. As I kept reading through Matthew, I found where Jesus prayed in the Garden of Gethsemane. This takes place right before he is about to be betrayed and taken away to be crucified.

Matthew 26:39 says, he fell with his face to the ground and prayed, "My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I will, but as you will."

A few moments later Jesus prayed again saying, "My Father, if it is not possible for this cup to be taken away unless I drink it, may your will be done".

I know that Jesus had faith and Jesus healed many and performed miracle after miracle. So, it is not a question of him not believing that God could stop him from having to be crucified. He knew that God was powerful enough to save him from this, but he also knew there might be no other way for mankind to be saved from their sin. He selfishly prayed to be saved from the pain of death, but selflessly prayed if there was no other way that God's will would be done. Not his will, but God's will.

This was huge for me! It answered my prayer and my struggle for how I should pray for Timothy. I can pray as our ultimate example prayed. I can pray as Jesus did.

So, today this is my prayer: "My Father, if it is possible, may you heal our sweet Timothy completely. Yet not as I will, but as you will." Lord, if your will for our lives and the lives of everyone around us can only be accomplished through a sweet little baby with Trisomy 13 that may only live moments on this Earth and then spend eternity with you in heaven...then may your will be done. Yet, Lord if it is possible that your will can be accomplished through the miraculous healing of Timothy, then we ask for healing. But Lord, most of all, we ask that YOUR will be done. We trust you, we love you, and we give you Timothy's life. Amen.