The Tears That Fall in Public Places

"So many people are afraid to bring up my loss. They don't want to upset me. But my tears are the only way I can release the deep sorrow I feel. I tell people, don't worry about crying in front of me, and don't be afraid that you will make me cry! Your tears tell me that you care, and my tears tell you that you have touched me in a place that is meaningful to me- and I will never forget your willingness to share my grief. It often feels like we are carrying an enormous load of sorrow, and when others shed their tears with me, it is as if they are taking a bucketful of sadness and carrying it for me. It is, perhaps, one of the most meaningful things that anyone can do for me." - Nancy Guthrie

This last week brought with it several firsts. Several firsts that were hard. It was the first time I ran into an old co-worker who didn't know that I was pregnant, the first time I saw my dental hygienist since being pregnant, and the first time I ran into several other unsuspecting people that didn't know our story yet. My heart hurts for them and I feel like it's almost unfair for me to walk around with my growing belly sometimes. When do you ever congratulate someone on being pregnant and ask if they are having a boy or a girl and expect to hear such sad news? I don't know about you, but that has never happened to me. Pregnancy is supposed to be such a joyous time, an exciting time, and everyone is excited for you, congratulates you, and loves to talk about your growing belly. So, when someone says to me, "You're pregnant! Congratulations! How are you feeling?"  I find myself, mostly for their sake, wanting to just be normal. To say, "Thanks! I am due in April. We are having a little boy." But instead I find myself having to struggle to find the right words to say. The words to share the story of our sweet little Timothy and yet not ball my eyes out in the aisle at Target or the checkout line at Kohl's. I think at this point the best plan I have come up with is to avoid all public places for the next 16 weeks. Unfortunately, since that is probably not a logistical plan (even though I am sure Warren would love to do all of our grocery shopping for the next 16 weeks), I have had to come up with a backup plan. Pray. I pray for the right words to say to share the story of Timothy's life. I pray for the peace to share his story without too many tears coming down. I pray for the people who hear his story to know how much I love Timothy and cherish his life. I pray for them to see my faith in God and my complete trust in Him in the midst of my sorrow. I pray for Timothy's story to bring glory to God and to change the lives of these unsuspecting friends, shoppers, and sometimes even strangers.

And for those of you that I run into that do already know our story, please know that it means the most to us when you don't ignore what is going on in our lives in hopes to not upset us or say the wrong thing. Know that if you don't have any lengthy words of wisdom or insight to share that is almost better right now. Just say something and then listen. Give us a big hug and tell us you are praying for us. That is enough. That is enough to tell us that you love us and that you haven't forgotten the journey that we are going through. That is enough for us to know that you are walking with us and that we are not walking alone.

Today I shed tears and I pray for the right words to come. And today I thank those of you, friends and strangers alike, who have cried with us, hugged us, listened to us, prayed for us, written us sweet e-mails, cards, and text messages, and been there for us! We love you all!