I have so many thoughts and emotions right now that I don't know if I could even begin to share all of them with you but I will try to at least share a few. Wednesday, April 4th, will forever be a day that changed my life. It was one of the happiest days of my life as I finally got to see my precious baby boy, kiss him, and hold him in my arms. My first sight of Timothy was of Warren holding his hand and his legs and feet kicking in the air as the nurses worked quickly to get a diaper on him and clean him off. In the instant that I saw his feet kicking and him moving so well, I thought he was going to be able to stay with us for a little while. He looked so perfect, so healthy, so strong, so normal. However, moments later it became clear all too quickly that Timothy's life was fading fast from this Earth. Even though I had a false sense of hope for a moment, I have no doubt that is exactly how God wanted me to see Timothy and how he wanted me to forever be able to remember him. I remember him alive and well, kicking his long legs in the air. I remember his soft warm cheek snuggled against my cheek, his beautiful & perfect red lips, his big nose (Warren & I joke about who he got that one from...and I think we both agree he had a Trisomy 13 nose). I remember his beautiful blonde eyelashes that were so long they curled upwards, I remember his tiny hands, his tiny feet, and his perfect long legs. He was truly a beautiful baby and from the outside looking in you wouldn't even know what was going on. God gave us Timothy and we were able to share his life with so many of our family members that were able to be there with us for Timothy's birthday. I feel that God orchestrated him being breech so that we would choose a C-section for his delivery and our family would all get to see Timothy and hold them in their arms too. I can't imagine not having been able to share that moment with them. So, I thank the Lord for helping us to make that decision and I don't regret it for one moment. Wednesday, April 4th, the day we held Timothy in our arms, will forever be a day that I remember and cherish with all of my heart!
One of the happiest days of my life ended with the hardest and most heartbreaking moment I have ever experienced, saying goodbye to my son and letting him go from my arms. Warren and I snuggled in my giant hospital bed together and held Timothy in our arms. We cried together and then we prayed together. We gave our son back to his Heavenly Father. I have no doubt that in that moment Jesus wept with us and felt every sting of pain that we felt. I have no doubt that He was there with us, holding us, and giving us the strength that we needed. He was there. He did not leave us or forsake us. He was there whispering truth into our hearts. "Timothy is my son, whom I love. Timothy is not here. This is only his broken, Earthly body. He is already with me. I love him. I have prepared a place for him. He is in a better place. You will go to him but he will not come to you. I love him. I have him. You can let go and trust me. I am in control. I love him. I love you. I will be with you." And so clinging to each other and to our precious Savior, we said goodbye to our sweet baby boy.
I will never be the same person I was 9 months ago. God gave us a gift. He gave us Timothy. This is the letter I wrote to Timothy about how he changed my life. My mom read this letter at Timothy's memorial service. What a special blessing and honor that was for me to have her read this letter for me because I knew there was no way I would be able to make it through it.
Oh, how I wish more than anything that you could be here with us on this Earth. I wish that you could grow up to be just like your dad. Because this world desperately needs more Godly men like him. So, my heart breaks. I mourn and I cry that you will not be here with us on this Earth. But I know deep down in my heart that this is not a sad day for you. You have been welcomed with open arms into the presence of your heavenly Father who loves you more than I ever could.
I began to pray for you the moment we found out that I was pregnant. I prayed that you would come to know Jesus at an early age and that you would walk with him all of the days of your life. I prayed specifically that your life would bring God glory, and I know without a doubt my prayers have been answered. Your life has brought God so much glory and you will be with him forever. I do not regret for a moment any of the days the Lord gave us with you, and I do not believe God made a mistake when he made you. I know that he knit you together in my womb and that all the days ordained for you were written before one of them came to be. I believe that God has plans to use your short, but precious life for so much good in my life and in the life of everyone around you.
I am so thankful for the precious nine months that we were given with you inside my belly and for the wonderful day that we got to hold you in our arms. Because of you, my life will never be the same! Your life brought me closer to our Heavenly Father than I have ever been. Your life taught me how powerful prayer truly is. Your life taught me how to truly trust our Savior. Your life taught me that God’s Word is true when things in life are good and when things in life are bad. Your life taught me that I can’t walk through a day of life on my own but must surrender each moment to God. Your life taught me more about the love of the body of Christ. Your life taught me that this world is broken, this world will never be our home, but that those who believe in His name can look forward to our new home in heaven. Your life taught me to cherish each moment we are given with our loved ones on this Earth. Your life taught me that so many of the things in life that I thought mattered so much don’t matter at all. Your life has given me a whole new understanding of what God felt when he sent His one and only Son to this Earth to die for us, and your life has given me a whole new appreciation for what Jesus did on the cross for us that allows us to spend eternity with Him in heaven. Your short life has taught me so much!
Timothy, you are my precious son, whom I love and cherish with all of my heart. Know that I deeply miss you already and my heart breaks because you cannot be here with us now. But know that I look forward to the day I will be with you again. I look forward to the day when Jesus will wipe away every tear from our eyes. The day when there will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain. So, goodbye for now my sweet boy, but only for a little while. I love you!